Adult Dating Violence

The facts. According to The Safe Space One in three teens experience some kind of abuse in their romantic relationships, including verbal and emotional abuse. (The Safe Space, Relationships 101, 2007.) Perhaps even more alarming, 1 in 4 teenage girls who have been in relationships reveal they have been pressured to perform oral sex or engage in intercourse. (Ibid.) And it’s not just happening to girls. More and more boys are reporting similar behavior, but cultural assumptions may make it even harder for them to seek and receive help. What kinds of warning signs should we be teaching kids to look for?

Red flags. There are certain themes common to abusive dating relationships. They include:

• Control. Does your partner: Use anger, intimidation, and jealousy to control your behavior? Try to control how you dress, what you eat, and who you talk to? Constantly check up on you or accuse you of being unfaithful? Make you afraid to disagree because you fear what may happen if you do? Threaten to reveal personal information if you don’t follow orders? Threaten to kill him/herself or someone else if you break up with him/her?
• Belittling. Does your partner: Call you mean or vulgar names? Intentionally disrespect or humiliate you in front of others? Constantly criticize you and put you down? Purposely ignore you to punish you for behavior he/she doesn’t like? Insult your friends or your family? Make you feel as if nothing you do is right, or enough?
• Isolation. Does your partner: Force you to drop activities you enjoy because he/she is not a part of them? Prevent you from having contact with your friends and family? Forbid you from talking to other guys/girls? Try to control where you go? Do you feel as if you can no longer have your own life?
• Physical Abuse. Does your partner: Use threats to harm you to control your behavior? Throw things at you or pull your hair when he/she is angry? Hit, punch, or choke you? Purposely destroy your property to punish you? Force you to drink or do drugs? Force you into sexual behavior you don’t want to do?

The honeymoon phase. After an abusive incident, many abusers enter the honeymoon phase. Often they will apologize profusely, offer gifts, and make extensive promises about changing their behavior. This leads many victims to think that “It won’t happen again,” which makes it less likely that they will end the relationship.

Emotional roller-coaster. Victims of dating violence may experience a wide range of emotional responses to this abuse. They may feel shame and embarrassment, which may preclude their seeking help. They often experience extreme levels of stress, fear, anxiety, and depression. Many believe their abusers when they say that it’s “their fault,” and wind up experiencing self-blame and guilt. Still more lack the self-esteem to realize that they deserve a healthier relationship; they stay because they feel they can’t do any better.

How you can help. Educate kids about intervention services. Contact your local or domestic abuse or victims services center to see what kind of help they can provide. When threats or violence are present, girls may need the protection of law enforcement. Parents may not have all the information about their daughter’s relationship: help bring them into the loop. Also check out The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline or Break The Cycle for more resources, including curriculum materials and information on how to draw up safety plans.